Alright Ladies and Gents,
So: 1. I have been away for quite some time, and 2. I have been thinking about my life a lot lately.
Because I have been thinking about my life so much, I thought,
"Hey, Amber? Why not make a blog post and share your thoughts?"
So that is exactly what I am going to do.
Before I begin, let me explain why I have been thinking so much (because I do feel this is important and key as to why my views and opinions have changed).
While at University, I was constantly surrounded by things that were out of my comfort zone, and situations that I never thought I would be in. While some of these experiences were not always pleasant, I did learn a lot about who I am, and who I want to be.
*As a disclaimer: I am just placing ideas out there. If you do not agree with anything I say, that is perfectly okay.*
Now without further ado, here we go:
- I want to stop the negativity.
Now this may seem like such a simple idea, but I have a good reason behind it. For one, negative thoughts lead to more panic, which leads to a lifeless version of Amber. When I say negative thoughts, I am not just speaking of those which follow the selfish pattern of, "oh God, are they looking at me? Am I fat? Why is this happening to me?". I am also speaking of hate speech, derogatory comments, and overall spite. I think everyone has been guilty of each one of these at one time or another. Even though I have been trying to cut down on all of these, people around me are constantly saying them.
Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable, and I feel awful. Recently, I have started to call people on it, especially hate speech. Now, for those of us who don't understand 'hate speech', it pertains to anything hateful about a group or a person. There are many forms of hate speech, but the most common in the world I live in is racism/racist comments, gender/sexuality hate, and degrading of people.
Nothing bothers me more than these.
Now, I am not trying to play saint here. I have participated in all of these, but at least, I am making an effort to stop myself. There is never a reason to hate someone for the life they live. Everyone has their own demons, and everyone lives life differently.
2. Be grateful for every moment, effort, and person.
While it is easy to take the great moments for granted, it is also easy to take the bad moments for granted. I have just started to accept this concept. I am the first to admit that I react very poorly to bad situations. I like to sit an whine and moan about the situation instead of doing something about it, which is a habit I am trying to break. Another thing I'm guilty of is getting mad over someone's effort. For example:
*texting the boy I like*
He hasn't replied for four hours, yet he can post a tweet. Oh, he's with friends? God, I'm so over this.
This doesn't help at all. At least he texted me. He is with friends, and he is obviously busy. Leave him alone girl. It's not the end of the world.
One thing I am somewhat good at is being grateful for people. Although, I am less grateful of people who have been in my life the longest (sorry Mom and Dad). It should be the opposite, and I am trying to show how much they mean to me.
3. Accept the lows in life with grace.
This one hits home the most lately because my baby boy (by 'baby boy', I am referring to my doggy) is old, and he is having a hard time moving around. At first, I absolutely refused to even accept the thought of having to put him down. Herein lies the problem:
I make choices that benefit me.
When I made that choice, I was in the middle of last summer (meaning the worst panic attacks of my life), and I chose the option that benefited me. I'm terrified of death, and I didn't want to deal with the aftermath of his death. How selfish is that?!
Recently (even though it terrifies me), I have started to face reality and accept death. I also decided that I don't want my baby (who has kept me sane all these years) to be scared when he goes. If we do have to put him down, I am going to be holding him, and I refuse to cry until he can no longer see. He deserves better, and I am going to try my hardest to smile the whole time, at least until he is gone. I refuse to act like I did when my grandma died.
*story time*
Once upon a time, Amber was 8 years old, and hated everyone and everything because she was upset that her grandma died. Here's the catch though, Amber was mad because her grandma broke her promise. Grandma had promised she wasn't going to die, promised she wasn't going to leave. Stage 4 cancer isn't something one can just ignore. Looking back, I realize how much it hurt her. She never would have lied to me, but I was 8 years old. She didn't have a choice. She also kept me away towards the end because she didn't want me to see her deteriorate to nothing. Instead of accepting this, I took the anger out on those around me. I wallowed in self pity (as if those around me weren't struggling with the same thing). I never once thought about how much it affected my parents. I never once thought of how much pain they went through because of me. I said so many things that were out of spite and pain. "I hate you" or "Go away" probably crushed my parents.
I have started to accept that it is okay to be scared. It's life. Growing up is hard. Really, really hard.
I don't think any amount of preparation would help.
4. Support with all my might.
I am 100% guilty of degrading people due to my own self image issues.
I recognize this, and I am going to make myself change. The main person who takes the blunt force of this is my mom, and I am absolutely furious with myself because I have degraded such a perfect human being. I have made her even more self conscious that she already was. I still do, to be honest. I am trying to change (thus I am still making mistakes). Instead of focusing on the accomplishments, I constantly critique her. I have absolutely no right to do that to her.
I am pushing my own insecurities onto her.
My mom lost 10lbs so far in her weight loss journey, and while this doesn't seem like a big deal, this is a big deal. She is trying hard, really hard. What do I choose to focus on instead? 'Mom, why are you eating this, drinking that, not doing this?'
Again, I am selfish, and I am sorry. I am so incredibly proud of my mom. She deserves a medal for how much she has gone through. I keep bringing her down, when all she really needs, deserves, is support and love.
So here is to changing that. I love you more than life, to the moon and back, Mommy.
Another way I mean support is to become passionate about something again. It seems like as I have grown, I have lost my sense of fighting for a cause. Supporting a cause. This needs to change.
5. Accept that not everyone has had the privileges I have and show them the respect they deserve.
I am a very fortunate individual. I have been given more in life than most people even hope for, but with that, I have become arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful. I ignore my parents, disrespect them, and I point out their weaknesses. Once again going back to my mom, I have gained some awful words 'stupid', 'idiot', 'dumb', just to name a few.
I have started to use them against my mom and dad. My mom never had the privilege to go to college; she never go the opportunity to expand her mind to its full potential, and for me to point out her lack of opportunity, is downright the worst. My mom is a genius (she raised me of course ;) ), and she has done some amazing things with just a high school degree. Instead of accepting that she makes mistakes (like everyone in the world, myself included), I call her 'stupid' and make her feel inferior. Why? Because I am selfish and arrogant. I have had more education than she had, and even with that, I am still self conscious and feel the need to prove my smarts. Again, I'm working on it.
5. Mend the past and relationships.
Now before everyone decides to call their ex or the person who hurt them horribly, I am not meaning accept those people back in your life. I am meaning to accept what has happened and let it go. Mend yourself.
I am guilty, as I mentioned before, of cutting my parents out of my life on various occasions. This is the silliest thing ever. They are the people who mean the most to me, yet I pushed them away because I wanted to be cool.
NOT. OKAY. EVER.
I am trying to work past all of the pain and seclusion I forced on all of us.
Also, I am guilty of holding grudges. Lately, I have been dealing with my past and accepting everything that has happened. It's not always okay, but it's okay not to be okay. Accept that it happened, and that it's over. Done.
6. Love more. Everyone and everything.
Honestly, all the hate/ mean behavior has started to weigh me down. I actually found myself surprised when I wasn't upset or sad about something. I would search for something/someone to be mad about/at. It's pathetic. When I was happiest, I worried less and loved more. Whatever happened to laughing over something silly instead of saying, "That's so stupid"? Hate. It makes you feel awful and less valuable. When you show you care (even to complete strangers), you will notice a difference in yourself. Volunteer, offer your help to those that need it, smile more, hug more, encourage more, and love more.
7. More respect, less annoyance.
Respect everyone. This is something that is so difficult because in today's society, we are so used to expressing our distaste for someone (usually someone different) with disrespect. Our generation is filled with self-righteous people. We think everything is about us. If it doesn't benefit us in some way, then we aren't going to think about it. We are lazy, and I am guilty of being disrespectful. My parents are my main target (again, I know it's awful, and there is no excuse. Again, I am working on it.). For example, my mom asks me, "honey, can you fold the clothes in the dryer and switch those in the washer to the dryer?" Honestly, it's a simple request, but in my mind, I think, "ugh, why can't she just leave me alone and do it herself?" Because it hurts her to get up and do everything. Disrespectful. I have tried to start helping without being told because I know my mom appreciates it, and the less she has to to, the less pain she is in, which means more time she has to have fun with me.
"Shut up." Why did I ever learn this phrase? It is so disrespectful, yet it slips out of my mouth so easily. My mother should never have to feel like she is annoying for reminding me of something, and whats even worse? My dad has picked up on it too.
This is how a chain reaction starts. Imagine being my mom. I would feel awful and hated. She deserves so much more respect.
8. If I give my all, I can't fail.
This has been my slogan while at college. I tested into French 231 my first semester at KU (for those who do not understand this, it is a first semester, sophomore level, honors course). I thought I was dying. No matter how hard I studied, it seemed my grades never reflected what I was learning, and trust me when I say, you learn 4x's as much in college. The difference? You actually need the information; you can't just memorize it and forget it.
Anyways, I was constantly getting D's and C's on tests and papers. As a straight 'A' student in high school, I didn't even know how to handle these grades. I called my mom crying saying, "Mom, I don't think I can do this". I kept learning so much, yet it was never enough. Here is where the problem lies. It is not me that wasn't good enough. It was the system.
I had two choices:
Learn as much as possible and remember it = a horrible grade
or
Try and study as much as possible but not remember as much = better grade
I chose the first option because in the long run, it will be the most beneficial. My grade is not a direct reflection of me or my efforts. With that said, I passed French 231 with a 'C+', which, trust me, was a HUGE deal, and I passed French 241 this semester with a 'B-'. I was almost in tears.
HALLEUJER.
9. Showing emotions doesn't make me weak, it makes me human, and it makes me feel better.
So many times I have seen people hold back their emotions to prove their strength, but why? I don't see a person as any less of a person for showing emotions. Actually, I find emotions to be a relief. It makes people real, and it's cathartic. Let it happen and let them go. Also, I am working on telling people exactly how I feel because guessing games are not okay. Girls: If you are mad, tell the person you are mad. Don't pull the, "I'm okay" line. It doesn't do anything.
If you like/love someone, tell them. The worst that can happen is they reject you. That's okay. It's not the end of the world. At least you won't have the, "I should have done..." hanging over your head.
10. Do it.
I am guilt of being a scaredy cat, but now that I am able to reflect on choices I have made, I realize the ones I never did have become regrets. I regret not going with Who's Who to those countries. I regret not enjoying vacations because of some silly reason. This is exactly the reason why I have started facing my fears. I forced myself to hike high in to the mountains. I forced myself to fly, alone, home. I forced myself to think about death. And soon, I will force myself to follow through with my dream of studying abroad in France. Although I am terrified of doing all these things, I am more terrified of not doing them and regretting it. Regret is not a pleasant emotion. Fear is natural, and it won't kill you.
It's not the end of the world. You can do it. I believe in you.
Finally number 11. I want to make a difference.
This seems like an overused phrase, but I'm going to use it again. I want to help the world change into a better place. I want to help someone, somewhere because everyone is important. No one is more important than another. Just because we are privileged, doesn't matter, we all end up in the same sized grave. Help someone. Save someone. You never know what simply reaching out to someone could do. It could be their final straw, and it's you that pulls them back.
Wow, this turned out a whole lot longer than I was expecting, but I hope this helped at least one other person.
I would like to insert some happiness now.
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Until next time loves,
XOXO Amber
