Welcome Back!
I know it's been a hot minute since I've posted anything, so I thought I would talk about something I hear a lot.....(A LOT). As you may or may not know, I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years now, and while he completes his degree, we are stuck in long distance.
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| Photo from our trip to Montréal this past March |
Just to clarify by "long distance", I don't mean he lives a few towns over; by long distance, I mean I live in the Pacific North West (PNW), while he lives in France.
Now, every time I mention it in passing, or it is brought up in conversation, I get one of two reactions:
The Debbie Downer: "How? Why? That sucks. I couldn't do that. Meh"
or
The starry-eyed romantic: "*blissful sigh* That's so [sexy/ romantic/ beautiful]. I would love to date a foreign guy. I would love to travel."
While both reactions are fine and not usually a big deal, what the Debbie Downer forgets is that yeah, it's hard, but you know what? If you truly love someone then distance isn't the end of the world, and some of us aren't lucky enough to fall in love with someone who lives in the same town/state/country/continent/whatever. So while, yes, it is hard, please stop acting like it's the end of the world.
As for the starry-eyed romantics, they always talk about how "great" it must be to be dating someone from another country....but to be honest, it can really suck. What they often forget is simple things:
- time differences
- travel costs/ visit (visas, flights, hotels, etc.)
- the almost impossible feat of trying to move to the same country without getting married (some of us actually want to ease into that instead of just marrying for a visa)
- the emotional toll it takes for you to constantly miss someone
- let's not forget the language/ cultural barrier (even if you speak 2 common languages as we do)
- the near constant pressure from everyone around us to just "find someone [in your own country]"
- the constant stress from trying to coordinate even the simple things (Skyping, travel, important events)
- oh, and the hardest one for me? not having him there when something huge happens (graduation, a panic attack, an interview, etc)
So, while, yes, I appreciate the interest that people generally have, I do think people overlook how hard it is and how hard it's been on the couple.
So my advice for talking to someone in a long distance relationship?
- Please stop telling us how hard it must be....yes, we know.
- Please stop over-romanticizing it....it's not all easy peasy romance movies.
- Please just understand that we told you the information to simply get it out of the way....not to make a huge deal of it.
My advice for those thinking of starting a long distance relationship (specifically with someone from another country):
- Try your hardest to understand their culture and tell them about yours
- Make a set schedule for certain times or days to talk or Skype
- Make sure you keep sharing your life, while living it without them (share photos, videos, drawings, whatever you've done that day)
- When you feel yourself getting down or worn thin, reach out to them and let them know. If not, reach out to someone, like me, who is in a similar situation.
- Stay patient (trust me I know how hard it is to be talking and not understand what your significant other is saying...but try not to get angry...especially if your language isn't their first language)
- Give and take (try to give them space for their own life (and yours!))
- Love as passionately as you can (but if you know they aren't right for you, don't get swept up into a fake fairytale just because they are foreign/have a sexy accent/etc. because in the end, it's not fair to either of you.
Until next time,
Amber <3
